my alien encounters.

                                   ALIENS. it is a pretty popular topic these days. you see on infotainment, movies, tv. the more we develop technologically and get to know more and more about space and beyond, the more we want to find some semblance of an intelligent life form out there. i am not suggesting that the idea that there is life out there is impossible, but there is every possibility of it being just the opposite. we couldn't be the only ones after all.

                                   the idea that these life forms are more intelligent than us is probably based on the fact that they are the ones that are supposedly "visiting" us and not the other way round. maybe that's why these so called new age "Ancient Astronaut scientists" have once and for all declared that they are the ones whom we refer to as GOD.  i don't know whether i believe in UFO sightings or abduction theories. but i do know that there are things that happen in life sometimes that are incredibly difficult to explain.

  

                                let me share my own experience from when i was a kid. it was just before twilight.we were playing outside. suddenly one of my friends pointed at the sky. we saw that there was this sort of ball of light in the sky moving from one direction to the other in a horizontal line.we were giddy with excitement. since it was Christmas and none of us had any idea of something called an "Unidentified Flying Object", and no knowledge of astronomy whatsoever, we naturally presumed it to be the Star of Bethlehem which guided the three Magi to the baby Jesus. we watched it for a good 3-4 minutes. then as suddenly as we had spotted it, it disappeared. 

                               to this day i am dumbfounded as to what i saw that day. it could very well have been an asteroid, which burned up as it entered the atmosphere.or it could have been a planet. but it doesn't seem that way. and calling it a UFO just sounds ludicrous even if i try to keep an open mind about the whole thing. i am sure that i saw what i saw because after that i thought that the Star probably showed itself on every Christmas. 

                              

                              but that was more than 20 years ago. nowadays these flying saucers have become the Vimanas that Raavan had, the "Aliens" themselves have taken the place of Gods and their supposed technology has replaced faith and metaphor and not to mention the human intellect. they have grand mythologies of their own and are the supposed creators of the human race. 

                                 conspiracy theories are all well and good. and not to mention extremely entertaining. but collectively what does it imply? whenever i watch these shows, all hear is, humans couldn't have done this, humans couldn't have done that! why not? everything else aside we apparently did not even evolve naturally. some grey alien with an idea and need for a slave race had to do it for us. why has it become so easy for us to accept the idea that we are at the mercy of some other material entity? maybe it is presumably more easy to comprehend and explain. 

                                  i don't believe in perfection outside nature. the idea that something as complex and perfect as a human body and mind can be artificially "manufactured" is completely beyond me. even if i keep my mind open about this so called intelligent life out there, i can never give in to the idea that something as abstract yet simple as a human mind can be "produced". how can i when i see such stupendous and awe inspiring examples of it everyday in the simplest of things? and i think it has a profound effect on all of us.personally, it makes me believe in myself. it makes me believe in my capabilities and my strengths. and to a large extent it makes me believe in my existence.

                                  i don't know if it is just me, but when i watch or read about such theories, all i can see is weakness and fear. fear of something that is difficult to comprehend. fear of looking inwards and facing ourselves. fear of the vastness and infinite expanse that is our universe. 

                                  well, aliens or no aliens, i am not losing my faith in humanity yet.   

                                 recently a new channel started on TV called Zindagi. it is a special channel which exclusively shows serials/dramas/programmes from Pakistan. it is a new initiative and i must say i like it very much. till some time back i had to watch these same shows on you tube and i have to admit watching them on the telly is a wish come true. they are good programmes, well written and executed. and i think most people will agree with me when i say that it is a little bit different than the usual saa bahu fare that we are accustomed to on indian telly. although the subject matter of these programmes is the same, their treatment of the subject is bit more responsible and intelligent. not to mention i love listening to Urdu. they are modern, deal with real issues, and don't believe in creating a whole lot melodrama for no good reason.and most of these serials believe in story telling and not just noise.they are made up of 20-25 episodes and a story is aptly and intelligently portrayed without any unnecessary crap. also it gives us a glimpse into another culture which is so different yet so much our own. the serial i particularly like is 'Zindagi Gulzar Hai'.

                                 lets see..... the story is your usual formula.  poor girl, rich boy, they meet, they fight, they find a common ground, they marry , they fight again and then they live happily ever after. (presumably). it is the oldest story in the world. but what i found interesting was that it actually is a very intelligently written version of the classic love story, Pride and Prejudice. and like in the novel i am still debating whether its Kashaf our heroine who is the proud one or Zaroon our hero who is prejudiced. or if its the other way round. at first, when you meet the characters, you don't particularly like Kashaf. she is headstrong, moody, aloof, argumentative.whereas our hero is the complete opposite. but as her character develops you realise how and why she is like that. the struggles that she goes through in a society that does not make it easy for a woman to make her own way in this world, to live her own life according to her own choices or even the so called cultural ideals is so beautifully portrayed that i wouldn't be surprised if every girl and woman somewhere in their hearts and otherwise completely identify and relate with her. like P &P there is always the pressure on her to bend according to societal norms. how her perspectives and ideas change as she goes through new experiences. i am really looking forward to how the story progresses from here. i am rooting for Kashaf. 

                         on 2nd July, an incredible thing happened. in a press conference after a game in wimbledon, Maria Sharapova committed the heinous crime of admitting that she did not know who a certain Indian cricketer was. no sooner did she say it, all hell broke loose. Sachin's "devotees" cursed the tennis star, threw insults at her, made ridiculous accusations. some even went so far as to say that the only reason she was so successful was that she was 'pretty'. did not matter that she is from a country where many probably do not even know about cricket, let alone know the names of the players. did not matter that she lives in a country where cricket is not at all prevalent. did not matter that she herself is a legend of the game that she does play. did not matter that maybe it is entirely possible that people in the world of sports may not all know about each other entirely. did not matter that Sachin Tendulkar himself may not mind what Sharapova said. all that mattered was that she did not know who Sachin "THE GOD"  tendulkar was.

                         isn't it amazing how easy it is to puncture the collective ego of a country which claims to be the spiritual center of the world? considering that we claim to be one of the most tolerant nations in the world, we take offence rather easily on the most ridiculous matters. now, for a disclaimers' sake, i am not saying anything against Sachin. he IS  a legend. he IS the greatest player to have ever played the game of  cricket; but he is NOT the only sports legend in the world. there are many many games in the world and every game has its legends and stars. how many people who went on to trash Sharapova know about the Baseball legends or the russian Ice Hockey legends. what rationalises so shamelessly(also see pathetic) trashing a person who is a legend in her own right, just because she is ignorant of a game that is a religion way over in the subcontinent in India. are we that insecure that we a require a certificate and commendation from each and every nook and and corner of the world? we are not the center of the world and Cricket is not the nucleus of all sport.

                       by behaving thus not only have we ridiculed ourselves in front of the world, from the U.S to Australia, but also have shown ourselves to be ignorant and juvenile. not to mention the person that we are trashing has a standing in the world of sport. she has worked just as hard, and made a place for herself. insulting her for something like this only shows a blatant disrespect for sportsmanship. if anything we owe an apology to her for being so condescending and downright rude! 

one mornning

“So, had another dream?”

“Yup”

“Well?”

“Well…. Again a nice enough place well by nice I mean it felt …safe maybe?…… again discovery and a sense that it was reality and feelings. Flowers and a blue sky and all that. Today though I realized I was in a dream and I wanted to stay there, wander around looking; had thought, control, companionship, I could feel ‘life’ inside of me. I think I relate to that world more than I feel a part of this.”

“Is that right? You do realize that eventually you have to wake up. And eventually you have to stay where you actually are.”

“I know that! I think about it every time it’s time to get up. And sometimes I don’t want to. There is a consciousness in that world that I have forgotten when I am awake. There is time. There are even memories. There are stories. There are words and expressions. There is ME. Today I suddenly sort of realized it and willed myself to see and feel and discover whatever there was and soo clearly …. Every flower, every petal, every leaf and every structure, every touch and every expression. I did not want to wake up. I wanted to stay there.”

“What is wrong with waking up?”

“I don’t know this world. I don’t feel a part of it. I don’t know myself in this world. I look in the mirror and it’s baffling! I don’t know who that is!!! I don’t recognize that person. If I keep looking at her I keep expecting her to do something, say something back, or just go away because she is bored or just has nothing to say to me. That’s not me in there! I don’t even know that face! Anywhere! I look out the window and it’s confusing. It all seems so alien. I don’t know it. It’s like I know these things by memory, but they are just… there. Nothing more. It all seems incidental. Everything. When I am talking to someone, sitting alone, doing some work, or even having a good time! It all seems like a random play of events that are supposed to happen and they are! I swear I don’t feel things anymore. Worry, sadness, happiness, laughter, envy, friendship………. Anything!! Things happen and I react the way I am sort of ‘wired’ to. Nothing beyond that.”

“So nothing really matters”

“I don’t know. Does it? There has been this constant in my life and even that doesn’t seem to matter anymore. What is the purpose of all this? What does it matter if I get things or I if I don’t? Why? And I really do wonder. All of this everything just can’t be there…….. well….. ‘Just because’?”

“And in the dreams it does?”

“It’s …… peaceful. Even when it is a bad dream, it is peaceful. I feel free, I feel at peace…. With myself and with everything else. Everything seems coherent. It feels like I can sleep there, you know? Actually sleep. I am not doubtful or hesitant or confused, ashamed and guilty or in pain or for that matter even joyful or happy, I am me. I understand myself. I know myself. And it’s liberating. It has been a long time since I felt free.  And then I wake up. And it all comes flooding in my mind”

“You are tired?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I am losing it. Maybe I am tired. Maybe I have become indifferent. Maybe I am spent. Or just losing myself. Or maybe I am starting to realize there is more to it all. I am …………………”

“?”

…………………………………………………………………………………

"hey! there is a party.downstairs."

"ya. i know."

"not going?"

"nope"

"why?"

"don't want to."

"are you sure?it looks nice and sounds like people are having fun"

'why wouldn't i be sure?"

"well.. when you asked i think there was a moment's hesitation on your part"

"no, i was reading an interesting book and didn't want be disturbed."

"oh really?? then why are you writing this down right now?finished the 'interesting' book?"

"no"..............................

"well?"

"FINE! but it wasn't that i wanted to go..... its just that....."

"what?"

"all those people!!!"

"what of them?"

"they make me uncomfortable."

"oh please!!!!"

"WHAT?"

"they don't make you uncomfortable when they come to your house for'your'functions. that's bullshit! besides, you should be down there after being invited like they are over at your's. its called common cou-rt-sy....."

"i can't go and sit with a bunch of strange people gawking and gesturing."

"isn't that....."

"and those kids!!! kids are scary.... you never know what they are thinking.. and makes me feel like an idiot to be honest, sitting there being gawked at by children and their parents like a bloody zoo animal."

"and of course.. there are no people there that are not so creepy right??"

"i never said that."

"yes you did. that is exactly what you said.you sit around the house sulking and complaining that"i need to get out of this house". "i am so alone" "i need to interact with more people" "i don't know "whats what" and other such crap. how is it supposed to come about when it's not DONE in the first place? you were about to go today. you know you can handle 'people'. what is it that you are so scared of? as stifling as you say this confinement has become.. you are now used to it aren't you?

you like it!"

"I DON'T LIKE IT! but yes it does sort of protects me from outside."

"outside?"

"yes outside... what if they told me exactly what they thought of me? what if i don't 'fit in' so to say? and another thing.... all these people that we meet nowadays... they are all about my age.. with families.. and lives and stuff. i feel like an outsider. i know what I'am doing is not....... quite right.. but i am too scared to feel even more lonely and scared than I already do. i know that that is not a solution, but it does serve as a shield. i go and talk to people, and even if i get along with them, and make some sort of a connection... at the end of the day I am in my bed thinking of everything feeling happy and then suddenly come out of it with a realisation of how much i want to NOT think about it."

"i see...so what should we do?"

I.................................

something comfortable is..... something that makes you feel at ease with yourself. that feeling where you forget all your worries and problems.... and you dont have any qualms or complaints with anything/anyone. such momemts are pretty hard to find.... so we do what we can and thats gud too!!
comfort is... my dad sitting by me when i'am sick with his hand on my cheek. comfort is me sitting with all my freinds/family and just laughing and going crazy about....well.... nothing in perticular.... comfort is.... cooking a nice dish with my sister for my family... comfort is getting panicky about situations that seem difficult to handle... but then getting over it and knowing i have myself in control and i can deal with it..... comfort is knowing my mind... which holds a little world of my own in itself... which helps with everything else that is there to be dealt with.....
something comfortable is something that i believe.... is my mind... my happy little place... and all the thoughts and the love and the belief in it.....

the other day i just went fr a drive... n while i ws enjoyin the night air (although as 1 of my freinds pointed out ...... in a metropolis there's no such thing as fresh air) i got a sense of deja vu in the night air. the air had a wonderful warm woody sort of fragrance. i call it the tree scent(they seem to breathe....) .... some how every smell and every fragrance seems to intensify during the night. anyways..... that got me thinkin... about all the things i used to know, used to like, that i now miss.... and are harder to come by nowadays. basically it got me thinkin about my childhood.

not all is gone though... i can still fell the approaching winter by the essence that changes from being woody to something with a hint of smokiness..... i think it has to do with the winter vacations that i spent in my hometown..( when it wasn't that much of a town.. and thats the beauty of it!) and if you were brave enough to get up at 6-7ish in the morning....... there would be a dense fog all around with the smell of wood burning in the angithis and choolhas, that was so strong that sometimes it felt like you could reach out, grab a bit of fog and taste it!!! (and it would have tasted incredible i bet!!). the neem tree with the swing is still there.. ( i know its all cliched... but god!!! i lived it!!!)

and so i started making a list of all of these things, put me in a rather nostalgic but happy state of mind!!the sound of my garndmother churning butter at 5 am in the morning!!!.... the food that used to be cooked on those clay choolhas was the best tasting food i have ever tasted in my life and now i only get to dream about it. and after we had the food we used to run down to the corner shop and get comics for hire!!! pretty decent rates too... 2 comics for a rupee.... for a day!!!! remember chacha choudhry, billu pinki.... and for the more knowledgeable people... nagraj and super commando dhruv and Doga....

i've had a pretty eventful childhood... as good as anyone can boast of!!! i was your normal insecure kid in school with inferiority issues.... and the loud, bullying kind among my group of friends at the same time.... i have ventured on witch hunts with my friends, climbed up and down a 'pipe' on the side of a building!!! (did it on a bet.... but kicked ass totally!!!), have made my bro cut up an earthworm in half!!!!its hard to even find an earthworm these days!!! and i have experimented..... had a moral epiphany once and decided that i will tell the truth from then on no matter what!!! later when i pushed my little bro down 3 steps(out of sibling rivalry mind u!..)..... i told the truth to my mother.... and was duly rewarded with a couple of nice ones there and then!!! good thing i learn from my mistakes.... i have stopped making such stupid, naive promises to myself since..

i wasn't scared of anything... or anyone..... its when i grew up that everything messed up. i know i still have that spirit in me somewhere...... i have just lost the courage that goes with it!!! one of my friends told me once that you should mature not grow up!!! easy to say!! life sort of does that to you... what i want is .... to hold on to these precious nothings..and not be afraid to experience new ones... i have a feeling that i may be missing out on them. when i used to look in the mirror.... i used to see me..... now it just leaves me wondering and perplexed. i honestly don't know what i am looking at!! hope i find myself again one day and like what i see......