“So, had another dream?”
“Yup”
“Well?”
“Well…. Again a nice enough place well by nice I
mean it felt …safe maybe?…… again discovery and a sense that it was reality and
feelings. Flowers and a blue sky and all that. Today though I realized I was in
a dream and I wanted to stay there, wander around looking; had thought,
control, companionship, I could feel ‘life’ inside of me. I think I relate to
that world more than I feel a part of this.”
“Is that right? You do realize that eventually you
have to wake up. And eventually you have to stay where you actually are.”
“I know that! I think about it every time it’s time
to get up. And sometimes I don’t want to. There is a consciousness in that
world that I have forgotten when I am awake. There is time. There are even
memories. There are stories. There are words and expressions. There is ME.
Today I suddenly sort of realized it and willed myself to see and feel and
discover whatever there was and soo clearly …. Every flower, every petal, every
leaf and every structure, every touch and every expression. I did not want to
wake up. I wanted to stay there.”
“What is wrong with waking up?”
“I don’t know this world. I don’t feel a part of it.
I don’t know myself in this world. I look in the mirror and it’s baffling! I
don’t know who that is!!! I don’t recognize that person. If I keep looking at
her I keep expecting her to do something, say something back, or just go away because
she is bored or just has nothing to say to me. That’s not me in there! I don’t
even know that face! Anywhere! I look out the window and it’s confusing. It all
seems so alien. I don’t know it. It’s like I know these things by memory, but
they are just… there. Nothing more. It all seems incidental. Everything. When I
am talking to someone, sitting alone, doing some work, or even having a good
time! It all seems like a random play of events that are supposed to happen and
they are! I swear I don’t feel things anymore. Worry, sadness, happiness,
laughter, envy, friendship………. Anything!! Things happen and I react the way I
am sort of ‘wired’ to. Nothing beyond that.”
“So nothing really matters”
“I don’t know. Does it? There has been this constant
in my life and even that doesn’t seem to matter anymore. What is the purpose of
all this? What does it matter if I get things or I if I don’t? Why? And I
really do wonder. All of this everything just can’t be there…….. well….. ‘Just
because’?”
“And in the dreams it does?”
“It’s …… peaceful. Even when it is a bad dream, it is
peaceful. I feel free, I feel at peace…. With myself and with everything else.
Everything seems coherent. It feels like I can sleep there, you know? Actually
sleep. I am not doubtful or hesitant or confused, ashamed and guilty or in pain
or for that matter even joyful or happy, I am me. I understand myself. I know
myself. And it’s liberating. It has been a long time since I felt free. And then I wake up. And it all comes flooding
in my mind”
“You are tired?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I am losing it. Maybe I am
tired. Maybe I have become indifferent. Maybe I am spent. Or just losing
myself. Or maybe I am starting to realize there is more to it all. I am
…………………”
“?”
…………………………………………………………………………………
No comments:
Post a Comment