dilemma

had a little accident in the kitchen the other day. there was a fire..... got a little on the dangerous side.. but no harm done... everything was brought under control. the kitchen survived with its blackened face... the fire was put out after making its contribution to the general consistency of fog that enevolopes the day around this time of the year......

i was the one who noticed the fire. went into the kitchen... turned off the gas and then raised an alarm. the thing that surprises me.... ( and why i am writing this down...) i was so cool during the whole thing!! saw the smoke.... went and saw that the kadai was on fire... simply went and turned off the gas... and then yelled for dad outside at the top of my lungs..... no panic!! i dont know whether its relevent or not.. but certain questions came to my mind. this coolness somehow disturbed me.. it scared me to an extent.

lately i have been thinking... and feel that nothing really affects me anymore... good.. or bad... relating to me... or someone else.. laidback.. or serious. what is it? it certainly can't be that i have gotten bored of it all..... like i have seen anything there is to see and all that! have i gone completely numb? and is that a good thing or a bad one?? things happen.... its like that with everybody, everything.....and all kinds...... its the natural way of things. so why be so taken aback when they do.. right?? this is what i believe... today if someone came to me and told me something way out of the odinary.... i would probably just go hmmm...... ok.. i have had the opportunity to just sit back and just 'observe' things around me... most of what i know has come to be because of that!! and i have learned a lot by just observations... but when you stop getting bothered by everything that going around you.... it is a matter of concern. i have a life to live... and i am getting the feeling that its passing away while i am trying to understand it!!! i have no specific agendas or goals...... and i dont even know what those are supposed to be..... spent most of my life just trying to survive and come out alive..... and now i am scared of life itself!!

dont get me wrong..... it might be that the fact that i did so well during that incident was because maybe i am actually 'maturing'... like my dad just gave me this simple expalanation... "you are growing up" he said. hmmmm............. all I am getting is... i see things... i have the ability to reflect on things from the other person's perspective.... and relate to it. i understand. i realize. i can truly empathise......i can comfort and after all of that i am still a confused person..... like soo many other people out there. i just hope and pray that i am able to let go of the past.... accept myself and realise the strength in me......... better sooner than later......

utopia......

Utopia.... strange concept. Everything perfect in every aspect. No pain, or misery, or suffering, hardships, oppression, plight, misfortunes, sorrow........... u know the world before Pandora’s curiosity got the better of her... The thing I don’t understand...... hw can u survive without duality...I don’t think the human mind is capable of contemplating only one aspect of anything. Would Thomas More have been able to write his book if he hadn’t seen or could have recognized the other side of "bliss". Even Pandora opened that jar out of 'curiosity'.............. In a world where there's joy contentment and innocence everywhere........ where's the place for something like curiosity.......or a mind for that matter.....the way I see it..... even she got bored of it all. And in our case........ Evolution has taken care of that!!!

How do you fathom..or register any sense of joy or fulfillment without experiencing the absolute opposite?? The human nature is such that we tend to notice and remember the mishappenings and hardships that we bear better than our godsends and our inherent capacity to be able to survive these 'anti-facets' of our existence. we get so caught up in all that ...... that it becomes difficult to see the other side of the coin. And at that point imagination comes in place.... we stop coping and end up creating worlds within this world where we find solace, comfort and relief from our frustrations..... one minute we are sitting there with nothing in particular on our mind........... And the next minute there we are in Pandoraland!!!! Improved, more comforting and sometimes even more exciting'n'happier versions of our own realities. And there in that place we have no problems in focusing on the positive. But even these 'daydreams' aren't void of some inconsistencies or contradictions.... of course the fact that they are born out of our frustrations plays a major role in it..... We fight a battle of sorts with ourselves in our minds, play different scenarios ... and come out victorious in the end.

How do you value happiness without sorrow, or laughter without tears.........

In my mind if I manage to 'realise' the significance and the necessity of my duality......... by and by I’ll find utopia.......

Until then...... my mind....... is my utopia...

see there was hope still left in the jar.......

dance of the fairies....

started raining today, and i went and enjoyed it outside after a really long time. i had been watchin the familiar shadow of the monsoon clouds through my window.... when i heard the thunder and the pitter-patter of raindrops outside my window... i decided to go outside and have a look. i had forgotten how much i love sitting out watching the rain..... how much i love the rainy season. i don't know perhaps its because i was born during this season. but i have always loved this season. its the time of the year when even a generally drab looking grey color looks appealing and takes on a delicate silverish hue.

it ws one of those day's when the wind had decided to make the most of it. it was blowing all over the place making the rain dance with it......... and then came that most divine fragrance of all......... of wet earth... taking over everything. as it started to pour.... the trees started dancing with the rain and the wind to the beat of thunder...and i sat there dumbstruck wondering why i missed out on all this for so long..........

the gulmohar looks especially enchanting in this scenario..... set ablaze with its flaming orange-red blossoms on the top. suddenly the thunder raored,the wind took speed..... and against the the beautiful silver-grey of the sky... the feiry red petals of the gulmohar took flight. little red glistening petals on fire, dancing with the rain. what a sight!!! seems the whole atmosphere got to them and they just couldn't hold on anymore..... floating and frolicking around with the wind aware of all there splendour...as the petals dance about in the rain i'am reminded of fairies and sprites....dancing and flitting about in the rain......with not a care in the world.... teasing the trees below them....... and the trees a lovely bright green ... as if jealous of the little spirits playing around in the rain....... swinging their branches........... yet unaware of their own elegant charm that is so calm and tranquil. . nature showing off in all her beauty and glamour....

that's romance..............

i cnt think of nethin to write rite now........................my mind hs suddenly gn blank!!u sit to write abt smthin n u start to think wht u wanna write abt.........n thts precisely wht u shdnt do!!! thinkin confuses the mind.(bsides m out of practice!!)i did a lot of things today.....i sw a movie....sw a lot of stuff on t v....i hv so much goin on in my life rite now .......i shd b goin on n on n on like a broken alrm clock tht dsnt shut up!!.but whn it comes to actually.puttin my thoughts on paper...(or typin thm)m like a retarted person......its all in my mind but it just cnt seem to cm out!!!!...............ya cnt think nemore......so ...............this is just it. wht do u do whn this happens??? well nothin they say... n thts exactly whts so irritating!!! if u have a mind....... it will keep on goin on like a bad unrestrained and adament and relentless poet torturing u mercilessly........ only nothin of concequence will come out....... sm one of some importance once said..." u can be in a prison and be free".......... its all in the mind i guess. i liked wht i wrote yesterday..... just some fantasy of mine to able to expereince something extraodinary and life and mind altering.

as such i have a lot things on mind at this moment.... garfeild,the moon and the stars, songs of a.r rehman, my freinds, the new wolverine movie, the fact tht i have an obligation to actually focus on my studies also for a bit, singing, my irritations, my blog of course.......... the cricket world cup about to start in a couple of days..........cricketers........ the two pimples on my cheek ( n i hv to go to a lunch 2morrow!!!), the cookery show tht i watched in the morning( luv thm!!), all the places tht i wanna c........ wht the hell m i gonna wear 2morrow........ whn will i talk to my best freind next.... my own person, perfumes......... mythology, cultures.... johnny depp........... the books tht i wanna read..... the songs tht i wanna b able sing...... melody... nature......... nature shows....(david attenborough is really gud), rain.... the smell of it............. tiramisu n dark chocolate desserts........ my family n hw much i luv thm.......... flowers........ my old pics.......... online astrology sites hehehe.... dreams......laughter n lots of it............. and a couple of things more m sure. but nothing to write....

my second post n m already out of ideas......sheeeesh!!!!! but some of know me...... 1 thing i dnt have.... pateince... i'll try not to let u guys dwn....

p.s:oh,if ne1 hs ne suggetions............do tell me.....

comments will be appriciated.

well.........

standing under a tree almost on the edge of a cliff looking upon a valley.its pleasant, serene, calm and gratifying to self. admiring and just taking in the beauty around. the mountains..... so mighty and unyielding............and yet so composed n peaceful. n every little thing around complimenting them. nature in perfect harmony. nothing on the mind.......... just the scenery n the coolness of the wind. silence.......
n then suddenly the silence transforms into an empty stillness. everything suddenly goes lull. the birds r quite........ even the trees feel like they have stopped breathing. the wind vanishes. time stops for that moment.
then it happens...... the earth starts to rumble n move. starts to shudder......... holds on firmly to the tree and starts to panic. all of a sudden notice the mountains........which seem to be shaking n trembling not unlike the leaves of the tree. all at once feeling the earth move beneath the feet. such power!!! such authority....... such awe....... going rite through. in that moment feeling more like a part of this 'life' than ever before. "creation"............... was it something like this? the terms 'tandav' and 'shiv' come to mind. ' to move the mountains' they say................... to see such a spectacle........ feel humbled...... overwhelmed and overcome. is this what's getting lost??
it stops and its not the same............... but hw long can that last. lose sight of whats significant and meaningful pretty soon. do extraodinary experiences really change perspectives and reason?
well.................